Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
unpolished thoughts 2/18/2019
I had a bad dream last night in which I lost someone close to me.
I traced back through the hours last night before I closed my eyes and found some of the sensations that must have taken my mind down that path. I remembered some of the thoughts from the end of my day.
I remembered worrying about something, then deciding it wasn’t a big deal. There was no real problem, I told myself. No need to get anxious.
Then I fell asleep and dreamt of this shattering loss.
It’s amazing how fragile we can be.
We draw our strengths from networks of support that we rarely acknowledge, but when there is the slightest hole that needs patching, we are capable of feeling it like a mortal wound.
I wondered, was some place inside of me sounding a warning cry?
“I’ve seen this happen before!”, it might be saying. Was I ever abandoned in such a way that it left a scar?
If I dream backwards, the answer is yes – and no. In other words, yes, sure, but nothing that strikes me as dramatic. Unless there is something else buried so deep I can’t find it?
Who knows.
Trauma is real and we all carry it in one form or another. It’s a good reason for making a habit of sharing warmth. It’s also a good reason for not always trying to explain everything.
This morning I realized: this is what I need, and what I don’t need – warmth, not reasons.
I told my sweetheart about the dream and, of course, in real life, she hasn’t disappeared. I wondered how she felt to hear my story. Did it sound like an accusation? Why should she be responsible for what happens in my dreams?
We hold each other. This is what we have decided.
We are perfectly imperfect humans, and sometimes we need support for no easily justifiable reason. We simply need it.
We feel weak and want to sense the care of another, the support of the ground. We don’t know why, but we can’t breathe properly until we find that connection.
Each one of us has these moments. Our children have them constantly. In their case, we usually understand.
What about ourselves?
Do you give yourself permission to feel weakness?
Is it acceptable sometimes to think that you can’t survive on your own?
Self-reliance is an admirable trait, but it can also be carried too far. There are those who feel injured the moment they accept help of any kind. This posture works well in many situations, but it can also cut us off from the warmth that we sometimes desperately need.
We generally don’t like to celebrate our weaknesses, but perhaps they serve us in ways we fail to acknowledge. Sometimes, when we wish to be held, those that love us understand the signal and provide for us.
Maybe that feeling isn’t always something to avoid. It might even come from a place of deep internal wisdom, a place that recognizes the life-giving power of our connection to each other.
Maybe it’s not such a bad thing to be reminded every so often that we’re all in this together.
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