unpolished thoughts 2/14/2019
It’s Valentine’s Day.
So what can you learn from the ones that you love?
You might have heard that the world would be a better place if we all loved each other.
“Love thy neighbor.”
Sure, great idea. Easier said than done, though.
In reality, certain people enter our lives and introduce us to the experience we call love. Without them, we would probably never be capable of understanding what “Love thy neighbor” even means.
Take a moment to think of someone you love – how have they made you better?
I met Margarita Castro on December 30, 2016. It didn’t take long before I was convinced that she was the love of my life.
Just slightly more than eight years earlier, on December 19, 2008, my daughter Maria was born. Even before coming into the world, she changed me completely.
Countless times, I have succesfully reimagined my options in difficult interactions by asking myself, “What if this person was Margarita?” or “What if this person was Maria?”
With a stranger, it’s much easier to allow ourselves to be selfish, to give a little less than we are capable of.
It’s hard to be an angel all the time – especially when we encounter people who we suspect might have been sent here from some place other than heaven.
But what if that comment that burns your ears comes from the mouth of your child or your lover? How do you respond then? Do you immediately rewrite your story about the human being in front of you in a negative light?
Or do stop first to ask what would make them say such a thing?
Do you wonder what their story was when they said that?
Do you wonder if you might have misunderstood their intent?
Can you remember things you might have said on other occasions when you weren’t entirely your best self?
Can you practice patience, curiosity, humility, or forgiveness?
It might be useful to remember some of the trials your loved ones have endured on your behalf.
Think about how they took interest in your story in a way that no one else ever did. Think about how what they learned allowed them to know you in a way no one else does. Think about how that knowledge allows you to be more yourself in their company compared to when you aren’t.
How many times did they change their minds from the initial impressions they had formed about something you said or did – because their love made them willing to look beyond the superficial surface of things?
Were there, perhaps, even moments when you feared you had irretrievably lost their love – moments of weakness when you were too hot-headed, callous, indifferent? Were there times when you were so driven by emotion that you didn’t stop to think about how your actions could hurt your the ones you love?
Remember all of the occasions like that when you were forgiven.
You can significantly deepen your capacity to treat your fellow human humanely if you can find it within you to imagine that he or she is just like those for whom your love is already reserved.
No one expects you to treat everyone this way in every moment. But it’s not a bad trick to experiment with in those moments where your first impulse is to move in the opposite direction of your humanity.
Is there any situation where the ones you love the most couldn’t teach you something?
How would you approach a problem if its consequences affected the well-being of the ones you love?
How would you put up with what feels unbearable right now if you needed to be a model of strength for those closest to you?
How do you cheer up a miserable person? What would you do if it was your child or your lover was that miserable?
No matter how strong we are, we all have weaknesses. We can learn about them and, in some cases, eliminate them, but there is always a learning curve.
Love helps us along this journey in at least two ways. It is a powerful teacher, and it also provides us with warmth when we need to recuperate our strength.
What would you do for the ones you love?
Could you imagine doing just one percent of the same for a total stranger?
Has a total stranger ever done at least one percent of such a thing for you?
“Love thy neighbor” isn’t bad advice, but it doesn’t give us a whole lot of direction.
It helps when we start with the flesh and blood humans who we love instinctively, not because it’s morally correct, or because they are somehow perfect.
Then it’s worth asking if we love ourselves with the same completeness that we reserve for those that live permanently in our hearts.
It’s no secret that being loved unconditionally makes it easier to give unconditional love to others.
But who knows you better than you do?
Who is more capable of loving you – and, by doing so, improving the quality of the love you put out into the world – than you are?
There are many ideas out there about we need to do to make this world a better place, including that one about everyone loving each other all the time.
I think most of us know how to translate that into something that doesn’t sound so much like trying to make every last stranger into your valentine.
It’s something more like to trying to answer the question about how we could all become just a little bit better humans.
As a first step, what if we all started with the ones we love – then took it one step further?
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