Photo by Paul Volkmer on Unsplash
unpolished thoughts 5/29/2019
Last night I stayed up until almost 3am. This morning I woke up at 5:30am.
Last night was ill-advised and well-advised. It was both a good idea and a bad idea.
This morning is quite different because of it.
Last night there was a little less inhibition, a little more impulse. Last night there was a little more boldness, a little less caution.
Last night wasn’t better than other nights, but it was different in its balance. Perhaps tonight will have a more even quality than either last night or the night before last.
I didn’t do anything I regret, but I did some things I would probably already do differently if I were to do them again today.
On the whole, I’m glad that I allowed myself the opportunity to be the way I was last night.
It was something of an “artist’s date”, a night to do as I wish, rather than as I should. A night like that always teaches me something about the danger of ignoring my own wishes for too long. I allow myself to feel that sometimes my wishes also have wisdom in them.
Wish-dom?!
Last night was more playful.
Last night didn’t care quite as much as usual about what other people think.
Last night was more alive.
Let’s face it: last night was sexier.
Last night wasn’t the model for how all nights should be, but it did beg the question why more nights don’t look, feel, and taste that way.
It begs the question about which ingredients need to be more available for cooking with at any moment. Last night wonders aloud why one would ever allow the supplies in the cabinet to run dry before restocking them.
Because after all, last night was me.
(I know it’s true, because I’m still here this morning.)
I can feel what I am now and still recall the taste of last night. The continuity is me.
What did you do last night?
How did your last night compare to the rest of your nights?
Was there a little too much of something, or something missing?
What do the imperfections of last night teach you about the kind of night you would be happy to have again and again?
What about now – what could you use a little bit more of, or a little bit less of, right now?
What would be a more novel experience for you right now – balance or imbalance?
Do you feel too stable or too precarious? Or just right?
Would you rather feel more prepared than this or more spontaneous?
It’s ok to answer the questions assertively. You are only answering for this one moment, not for all time.
It’s ok to try on each answer for size, as if it was true, act on it for a while, and then put it aside again.
Then you can try on the opposite answer in the same way.
It’s like trying on clothes at the store. You haven’t committed to buying anything yet, so why wouldn’t you actually check it out to see if your gut feeling is really the way you want to go or not?
This is the kind of experimentation that can really teach you what you want, what you need.
I’m going to take this as an opportunity to assert that idea as if it were true.
You can take my word for it, or you can test it out for yourself.